Just like any other relationship, differences in opinions, values, and desires can lead to problems in mentoring as the relationship advances. Problems in mentoring might lead to superficial interactions, below-average engagement, unmet expectations, and difficulty relating to one another (Eby 2007). Most people have never had explicit training in how to be a mentor, so resolving problems associated with mentoring can be challenging for many reasons. Our judgment might be clouded with stressors associated with the problem, we might find it difficult to navigate complicated power dynamics sometimes associated with mentoring, we might have discomfort with confrontation, and more. Here, I use critical mentoring theory to offer a few suggestions aimed to help mentors resolve problems in mentoring relationships.

Use adaptive communication strategies

To avoid misunderstandings or confusion about expectations, progress, and feedback, communication with mentees should be frequent, consistent, clear, and sensitive to cultural differences. Create an environment where diverse viewpoints are considered and respected, and actively work to build trust and rapport (see also Thurman, Bellot, and Grant 2024). Regularly scheduled meetings should involve discussions about the student’s progress, concerns, and whether the student needs more guidance or more autonomy. When problems arise, ask your mentee questions and listen to their responses with an open mind to help you understand the situation from their perspective (e.g., “When I said XYZ, what did you hear?”). During the conversation, be sure to maintain a conversational and respectful tone.

Try to identify and focus on specific problems

Some specific problems reported in mentoring relationships include working with a mentee who is unwilling to learn, mentees who use deception as a form of impression management, or mentees who display general dysfunctionality, including non-work concerns that interfere with the mentoring relationship, among other problems (Eby and McManus 2004). Identifying a specific problem will help you arrive at solutions more easily, rather than trying to weed through a fog of issues. Directly share your perspective on the problem in a firm and honest way, but begin on a positive note and try to assume your mentee has good intentions (e.g., “I know you have a strong work ethic and care deeply about being successful, but I am not clear on why we have not made much progress since our last meeting. Do you have any insights?” or “This is not the outcome I would have expected given what we communicated about last week. Can you walk me through the procedure you used here?”). Being mindful of your approach will maintain trust in the relationship and help your mentee to not feel attacked or blamed.

Consider whether you might have a role in the problem

No mentor who is genuinely invested in the success of their mentee would purposefully contribute to problems in the relationship. But, we have busy schedules and are pulled in so many different directions, it can sometimes lead to cutting corners due to insufficient time and energy for effective mentoring. Students might feel neglected or unsupported if their mentor is not available when needed (Eby 2007). Thus, it is important to critically reflect on how you could have contributed to the problem you are having with your mentee. It is possible that your own biases, assumptions, and social contexts that shape your experiences could have affected what happened in the situation with your mentee (e.g., you assumed your current mentee would work similarly to a prior mentee). If roles, expectations, responsibilities, and goals are not clearly defined, it can lead to frustration for everyone involved. In a prior blog post, I shared tips for out to clearly outline expectations and goals at the start of new mentoring relationships (Thurman 2024). In addition, planning ahead and being intentional around how time is spent during meetings and providing timely, constructive, actionable feedback helps mentees improve and understand their progress. Preparing for meetings adequately and focusing on key issues can make the most out of meeting times.

Help mentees connect with additional mentors

A mentoring constellation can provide better support for navigating problems in mentoring (for additional details, see Vandermaas-Peeler 2021). Relational challenges are more often experienced in traditional mentoring relationships emphasizing goal-directed instrumental support, rather than in peer mentoring relationships, which often center on psychosocial support (Ensher and colleagues 2002; Ensher and Murphy 2011; Kram 1988). For mentees who are just learning how to develop mentoring relationships, or for mentees sensitive to relationship challenges, peer mentoring could provide a useful environment to gain confidence and practice self-efficacy skills associated with being mentored. But, being mentored by more traditional mentors could support mentees in learning to navigate more complex relational dynamics that come with instrumental forms of mentoring. This highlights the importance of maintaining a diverse constellation of mentoring relationships for different types of support.

Work collaboratively

Relationships only work when both people accept their responsibility for them and cooperate and monitor progress together. In traditional mentoring relationships, it is important to be aware of the power imbalance and work to create a supportive and inclusive environment that helps build mentee agency and confidence (for tips, please see Thurman 2023). This involves actively seeking out and showing you value and respect the students’ input and perspectives, and emphasizing opportunities for mutual growth and adaptation to each other. Recognize how larger tasks can be broken down into smaller, more manageable goals while trying to find ways to complement each other’s work styles and strengths. Try to pay attention when stress levels rise and try to manage stress in more informal conversations (like over lunch, or in a walking meeting). As you meet collective goals together, be sure to celebrate small achievements to build motivation.

Accept if mentoring ends

With appropriate planning, accountability, and feedback systems, some dysfunctional behaviors and mentoring problems may be reduced. However, the costs associated with some problems in mentoring may outweigh the benefits. Significant problems such as harassment, exploitation, deception, and/or manipulation are rare, but can seriously affect the effectiveness of the mentoring relationship. Problems in mentoring can be a significant source of stress, negatively impact both parties’ self-esteem, can lead to turnover, and may ultimately necessitate ending the relationship (Eby 2007; Eby and McManus 2004).

In conclusion, conflict is a normal part of most relationships. When solvable problems arise in mentoring relationships, conflict can actually be constructive. This is because typical relational tensions can be a catalyst for change and growth, as digging into real issues and breaking the status quo could help both parties experience more vulnerability in the relationship and gain a sense of deeper connection.

References

Eby, Lillian T. 2007. “Understanding relational problems in mentoring.” In The Handbook of Mentoring at Work: Theory, Research, and Practice, 323–344.

Eby, Lillian T., and Stacy E. McManus. 2004. “The protégé’s role in negative mentoring experiences.” Journal of Vocational Behavior 65 (2): 255–275.

Ensher, Ellen A., Elisa J. Grant-Vallone, and William D. Marelich. 2002. “Effects of perceived attitudinal and demographic similarity on protégés’ support and satisfaction gained from their mentoring relationships.” Journal of Applied Social Psychology 32 (7): 1407–1430.

Ensher, Ellen A., and Susan E. Murphy. 2011. “The mentoring relationship challenges scale: The impact of mentoring stage, type, and gender.” Journal of Vocational Behavior 79 (1): 253–266.

Kram, Kathy E. 1988. Mentoring at Work: Developmental Relationships in Organizational Life. Lanham, MD: University Press of America.

Thurman, Sabrina. 2023. “Equalizing Status in Mentoring Relationships Fosters Collaboration.” Center for Engaged Learning (blog), Elon University, November 28, 2023. https://www.centerforengagedlearning.org/equalizing-status-in-mentoring-relationships-fosters-collaboration/.

Thurman, Sabrina. 2024. “Strategies for Onboarding New Undergraduate Research Student Mentees.” Center for Engaged Learning (blog), Elon University, September 12, 2024. https://www.centerforengagedlearning.org/strategies-for-onboarding-new-undergraduate-research-student-mentees/.

Thurman, Sabrina, Azul Bellot, and Tiffanie Grant. 2024. “Building Trust in Mentoring Relationships.” Center for Engaged Learning (blog), Elon University, October 8, 2024. https://www.centerforengagedlearning.org/building-trust-in-mentoring-relationships.

Vandermaas-Peeler, Maureen. 2021. “Mentoring for Learner Success: Conceptualizing Constellations.” Center for Engaged Learning (blog), February 18. https://www.centerforengagedlearning.org/mentoring-for-learner-success-conceptualizing-constellations.

About the Author

Sabrina Thurman is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Elon University and serves as a seminar leader for CEL’s 2023-2025 research seminar on Mentoring Meaningful Learning Experiences. She is an active mentor of undergraduate research in developmental psychology and co-designed a peer mentoring program to support first generation college students at Elon University. She has several publications and presentations on mentoring in higher education and has received awards for teaching excellence.

How to Cite This Post

Thurman, Sabrina. 2024. “Help!: When Problems Arise in Mentoring Relationships.” Center for Engaged Learning (blog), Elon University. November 8. https://www.centerforengagedlearning.org/help-when-problems-arise-in-mentoring-relationships/.